Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.

Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.