The Words given by My Father Which Helped Us during my time as a First-Time Dad

"In my view I was just trying to survive for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

But the reality soon proved to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her chief support in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following eleven months he burnt out. It was a talk with his father, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support.

The simple statement "You're not in a good place. You need some help. What can I do to assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and start recovering.

His story is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now more comfortable discussing the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a larger failure to open up amongst men, who often absorb damaging ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a show of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a respite - taking a couple of days overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he required a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing emotional pain resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says repressing emotions caused him to make "terrible choices" when in his youth to change how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to substances that don't help," he says. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a family member, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the things that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - eating well, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is faring.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead give the security and emotional support he lacked.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they acknowledged their pain, changed how they communicate, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I feel like my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."